Sometimes church ministry can be exciting and challenging, and there are many websites to spur you on in that regard. But ministry can also be really draining, and even devastating sometimes (I understand, because I spent twenty years pastoring local churches).
Ministry can take its toll in many ways:
- People’s unrealistic expectations.
- Board Members’ unrealistic expectations—and some with personal agendas.
- Organizational resistance to positive change.
- People’s hardness of heart.
- Manipulative people, church politics, and power plays.
- Board members or others who lie to you (especially in the hiring process).
- Staffing problems.
- Marital stress—often takes on additional pressures for pastors and wives.
- Family stress—often pulled away from your kids during prime family hours, like evenings and weekends. And seeing your kids hurt by church members just takes it over the top!
- Physical exhaustion—heavy schedule, “We’ll GIVE you one day off a week, pastor!” and the unending “to do” list, often too few people available for delegating.
- Financial strain, limited resources, meager retirement, some churches unwilling to take responsibility for all your ministry expenses.
- Too little time off.
- Counseling headaches and heartaches.
- Spiritual warfare.
- The care of the churches (2 Corinthians 11:28—and look at the context!)
Often the difficulties pastors experience place a deep strain on their own marriage and parenting relationships. And very few jobs have both the employee and spouse feeling so constantly pressured to measure up to so many unwritten expectations. You never know when you are disappointing someone’s perception of what a pastor should be doing (or of how it should be done). And some church boards even expect you to make everyone happy!
And you who are wives of pastors: words cannot express the stress and strain and pressure you feel. I am told that someone researched occupational stress and concluded that the two most stressful occupations in the country are (1) air traffic controllers and (2) pastor’s wives! Need I say more?
The pressures and pains of ministry can be crushing (hand me another tissue!) Yes, of course I believe there is solace to be found, or I wouldn’t be here. But the path to get there includes sharing your burdens with someone who will listen. You have found such a place here at Taking Another Look.
If you are a pastor or the spouse of a pastor, you can safely share your stories here. Of course, use fictitious names (if you need to use any), and don’t name the church or give away your location. Click on “comment” below and sign in to Google (they will respect your privacy) and type away. Or you can email me confidentially through my web site:
Share you comments and stories here!
1 comment:
This is an interesting topic and I'd love to have some dialog. I've been a pastor's wife for 27 years. (I think you know my husband from BBC days.) I can relate to all the things you listed here about pastor's wives for sure and I think I have figured out the problem - at least for myself. The problem is context. Once my husband became a pastor, and even when he was studying to be one, people put me in a certain context in the role of pastor's wife. I have never once seen this context NOT BE used when it has come to me and my role.
On the other hand, I never, ever think of myself in this context, hence the conflict.
The context is thus: You are the pastor's wife, therefore, you are AUTOMATICALLY a leader in the church; you are AUTOMATICALLY free game for gossip; you are AUTOMATICALLY a counselor; you are AUTOMATICALLY someone people can use to get their ideas to the pastor; you are AUTOMATICALLY the one person who can be called to fill in for someone at the last minute, etc, etc. I NEVER, EVER think of myself in this context in the church. I think of myself as a servant of Jesus Christ, using my talents and abilities to serve in my local church. I never go to church thinking: "I am the pastor's wife!"
Now, that being said, I am fully aware that I am married to my pastor and, quite frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way. As far as being a wife, I take the Bible quite literally and consider myself a fellow soldier for the cause of Christ. The vast majority of the time the word "helpmeet" is used in Scripture is a military context. So, like Priscilla, I consider myself to be completely obligated to stand and serve beside my husband - just like any other wife. The difference is that he's the undershepherd and most other husbands in the church are not. However, I have to take my position in his life seriously and fulfill it as he and I see fit.
Notice I consider my "position" as one in HIS life, not in the church's life. This realization set me free to a point and I have somewhat successfully removed myself from a good number of these expectations and try to remain focused on my REAL job as a wife & mom (8 kids).
My summary solution: Resign as "pastor's wife" but stay married to the pastor. Tricky at best.
Part of the problem is also leadership. Every single pastor's wife meeting I go to, every single pastor's wife conference I go to and every single pastor's wife event that I attend ASSUMES the distorted context of the pastor's wife! Our leadership is actually fueling the problem for us and they don't even realize it! I wish just once I could go to a conference - or something - that would actually address what I am to my husband and NOT what I am assumed to be in our church! This would greatly reduce pastor's wives' stress because the context that is put upon us without our consent would be lessened by the very fact that our own leadership would no longer be putting us in that context! But, right now they certainly are and I have pretty much quit going to pastor's wives' meetings, seminars, etc., because they have no meat to speak of. Hmmm....maybe I should just put together my OWN workshop and address this for all the pastor's wives who don't care to operate in the assumed context.
Wow, this got long! Oh, and I ordered your book today from Amazon, just fyi.
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